The Fappening – is your smartphone smarter than you are?


Do you even fap bro?

I usually shy away from the cult of celebrity, but throw in the heady combination of 4chan and media moral outrage and it was onto Usenet for a quick look at what all the fuss was about.

Fappening Roll Call

Fappening Roll Call

A quick 500mb download later and what do we have? A load of mostly d-list names I hadn’t heard of apart from Lawrence and Dunst. I gather Kate Upton is something to do with Sports Illustrated and swim suits, but seeing as I’m not American I don’t really give a fuck…

Was it worth 500mb of bandwidth? No.
Was it fap worthy? Not for me.

To save yourself the time and effort in downloading ‘The Fappening’ I’ll sum up what you’re missing:

Lingerie shots that could be from The Chive and explicit stuff that looks like an xtube submission, oh and a few dick pics – but these don’t get mentioned in the media outrage because misandry is somehow acceptable.

Once again we have the enviable combination of ‘Smart Phone-Dumb Person’.
Yes, I know that photostream to icloud is the default setting, but surely there has to be some realization when idly flicking through your phone that maybe, just maybe, that the shiny cloud where all your other photos and videos live isn’t the place for pictures that wouldn’t seem out of place on ‘Frosted Faces’?

It’s great to see celebrity lawyers sabre rattling and threatening prosecution for anyone sharing the images; but as always Google is your friend:


Yes it’s embarrassing, but to see the FBI getting involved? You’d think they’d have more pressing domestic issues to concern them rather than some embarrassed actresses? It’s not as if the Bureau would be getting stuck in if it was you or I with the missing photos is it?

Another valid point when it comes to the involvement of government agencies are the allegations from Edward Snowden that the NSA routinely passed around nudes lifted from Joe and Jane Public’s electronic communications.

Where it starts to become a little unstuck for me is @ScottMendelson from Forbes magazine who started brandishing around the phrase ‘sex crime’ in relation to this hack.

Really? A sex crime? Get a fucking grip man!

A close up cell-phone photo of any of these starlets’ immaculately waxed boxes that happened to be stolen online is not in the same league, or even the same fucking sport as, for instance, the shocking child trafficking in Rotherham or the rapeyness that seems to be popular in India.

To call this phone hack a sex crime is an insult to true victims of sexual assault.

If you seriously think that a leaked 30 second video clip of Upton being fucked is on par with, say AN ACTUAL RAPE, then you seriously need to take a step back from your outraged ‘white knight’ stance, and take a walk to your nearest store and buy yourself a fucking clue, because you clearly don’t understand the gravity of the comparisons you choose to make despite your seemly expert stance on ‘rape culture’.

It was a novel departure when Lawrence herself weighed in on the outrage, a week or so after Sir Lancelot from Forbes stuck his oar into the muddy river of sexual assault.

Surprise surprise. She  reckons the theft is a ‘sexual assault’ now. I’d love to say I’m surprised, but Jennifer; please take a step back and think about what you’re saying, and if you’re too self absorbed to understand what your grown-up words actually imply, then please check with your publicist before you alienate real victims.


~ by judascow on November 4, 2014.

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